Xenoblade: The Lightning Round
by P.T. Piranha
Summary: The plot of Xenoblade Chronicles, told as quickly as possible.


**Xenoblade: Lightning Round  
** **By P.T. Piranha**

(Quick note before we begin: I was originally going to parody Xenoblade in _It's Always Sunny on Bionis._ But as I explained in that fic, there were a lot of problems along the way, so I unfortunately had to drop it. This story is meant to sort of make up for that, because I still want to have a little fun writing for Xenoblade. That, and I want to try something a little different.

This story is sort of based on _Dragon Ball Kai Abridged_ , basically a lightning round version of Dragon Ball Z Abridged. To best suit that, this story has been written in script format. If that makes you want to stop reading, go ahead, I don't blame you. I don't even like doing that format, but I felt it worked best for this. Normally I do regular format.

With that said, enjoy the story. And maybe listen to Riki's theme the entire time you read this.)

Xenoblade Chronicles - in under 5,000 words.

* * *

 **Prologue:**

Okay I'm gonna make this quick. Some jerks went on a world-changing adventure and it was awesome. Lots of stuff happened. But let's go back to the beginning. Ahem! So when the world started, there was just an ocean and two giants. One was Mechonis.

 **Mechonis:** "I'M A GIANT ROBOT!"

The other was Bionis.

 **Bionis:** "I'M A GIANT… ROCK ROBOT. YEAH THAT'S IT."

They fought each other, and Bionis cut off the Mechonis' arm.

 **Mechonis:** "OW!"

 **Bionis:** "HAHA!"

Then Mechonis stabbed Bionis.

 **Mechonis:** "HAHA!"

 **Bionis:** "IT'S NOT FUNNY WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME!"

Then they just froze in time. And now people live on the dead bodies of these giants.

 **Bionis:** "SO NOW I GUESS WE JUST-"

 _Now_ we cut to one year before the adventure! Humans- I mean Homs- are fighting the robots- I mean Mechon!

 **Dunban:** "It is I, Dunban! I shall use the Monado, this fancy sword, to hurt the robots! …Say, why do we have an entire army if my Monado is the only thing that can kill-"

 **Mumkhar:** "It's me, Mumkhar! And I'm not shady at all! Whatever gave you that idea? You're crazy!"

 **Dunban:** "Dickson, do you trust Mumkhar?"

 **Dickson:** "No."

 **Dunban:** "Well shame on you."

 **Dickson:** "Mumkhar just ditched us."

 **Dunban:** "What?!"

Mumkhar was totally ditching them.

 **Mumkhar:** "Have fun getting killed by Mechon, suckers!"

And that was when Mumkhar got killed by a bunch of Mechon.

 **Mumkhar:** "OH COME ON!"

 **Dunban:** "Aha! Dickson, we must fight!"

 **Dickson:** "Whatever."

And that's how Dunban and Dickson fought all the Mechon with the Monado.

* * *

 **Colony 9 & Tephra Cave:**

One year later, Shulk came in! Yeah you know Shulk. First he was looking for spare machinery parts, when Reyn came in.

 **Reyn:** "Shulk it's me! Reyn! From Streets!"

 **Shulk:** "Hey Reyn. OH LOOK A CRABBLE!"

 **Reyn:** "We gotta introduce gameplay mechanics, Shulk! NOW IT'S REYN TIME!"

 _(insert studio audience cheering)_

 **Shulk:** "You got it, Reyn! I'm really feeling it!"

 _(insert studio audience cheering)_

Then they beat the Crabble and split up. By the way, Dunban had a sister named Fiora.

 **Fiora:** "Dunban, your arm doesn't work anymore ever since your heroics a year ago!"

 **Dunban:** "Yeah and?"

 **Fiora:** "Just reminding you. Time to feed Shulk a sandwich!"

 **Dunban:** "First watch me try to use a spoon!"

He kept trying to reach for the spoon with his busted arm, but he just knocked the whole thing over instead.

 **Dunban:** "Well darn it."

 **Fiora:** "I'm off!"

Then Fiora and Shulk had lunch together.

 **Fiora:** "How's the sandwich, Shulk?"

 **Shulk:** "… … …Amazing."

 **Fiora:** "You always say that."

 **Shulk:** "Yeah and?"

 _RING! RING!_

 **Fiora:** "The Anti-Air Battery! Boy I sure hope nothing bad ever happens to our colony."

Of course she said that, why would she ever say that? She had doomed them all. So anyway, Shulk went back to the lab, and Reyn was flailing around with the Monado!

 **Reyn:** "SHULK STOP THIS CRAZY THING!"

Shulk took it from him and suddenly had visions of the future! It was foreshadow-tastic!

 **Reyn:** "Hey Shulk, let's go get Ether Cylinders from Tephra Cave!"

 **Shulk:** "Don't drag me into your fetch quest!"

 **Fiora:** "I'm coming to make sure you guys don't get into trouble."

 **Shulk:** "But-"

They got the cylinders with no difficulty, when suddenly-

 _RING! RING!_

 **Shulk:** "Oh no! Mechon are attacking! If only Fiora hadn't tempted fate earlier!"

 **Fiora:** "Are you blaming this on me?!"

 **Shulk:** "Yeah and?"

So they hurried back to the colony, and split up again. Reyn and Shulk got surrounded by Mechon, and Dunban came in with the Monado!

 **Reyn:** "Dunban, you're here! Wait, isn't your arm still wonky?"

 **Dunban:** "It's okay, I'm using my left arm."

 **Shulk:** "But Dunban, are you used to holding a weapon in your-"

 **Dunban:** "Don't interrupt me."

So they went over to fight other Mechon and save Fiora from a giant Mechon, and then Dunban tripped, dropping the Monado.

 **Dunban:** "Whoops!"

 **Shulk:** "I'll go grab the Monado for you!"

He picked up the Monado and everything just came together! Shulk saw the future and beat up a Mechon.

 **Dunban:** "You should probably use the Monado from now on."

 **Reyn:** "Hey look, Fiora's using a tank to fight a giant Mechon with a face."

 **Fiora:** "COME AND GET SOME, MECHON!"

 **Metal Face:** "YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE? STABBING PEOPLE!"

 **Shulk:** "Guys, I had a vision of Fiora dying! I sure hope that doesn't happen!"

And then Metal Face stabbed Fiora.

 **Shulk:** "Well darn it."

 **Metal Face:** "HAHA I'M EVIL! NOW TRY TO KILL ME!"

They kept trying to fight Metal Face, but it didn't work.

 **Metal Face:** "HAHA, YOU CAN'T HURT ME WITH THE MONADO! LEAVING NOW!"

And then he left. So Reyn and Shulk packed their bags and left Colony 9 to get revenge! First, they went through Tephra Cave.

 **Shulk:** "I just learned Monado Shield!"

 **Reyn:** "Just in time to save me from this giant spider!"

Shulk saved Reyn from the spider, and then they ran past.

* * *

 **Bionis' Leg & Ether Mines:**

 **Reyn:** "GAUR PLAIN!"

 **Shulk:** "Actually it's the Bionis' Le-"

 **Reyn:** "GAUR PLAIN!"

 **Shulk:** "…Gaur Plain it is."

That's when they saw a little boy surrounded by monsters.

 **Juju:** "No, I'm too helpless to die!"

Then Shulk and Reyn saved Juju.

 **Juju:** "Thanks for saving me, I'm Juju."

 **Reyn:** "No what's your real name?"

 **Juju:** "…It's Juju."

 **Reyn:** "Fine, keep using that fake name, see if I care!"

Then they met Juju's older sister.

 **Sharla:** "Hey you remind me of my ambiguously dead fiancé, Gadolt!"

 **Reyn:** "I get that a lot."

 **Sharla:** "Help me save Colony 6, I can use a gun with magical healing bullets!"

But then a new Face Mechon appeared.

 **Bronze Face:** "I'M XORD, I'M GONNA EAT THAT BOY!"

Xord took Juju away.

 **Shulk:** "Wait, I forgot to learn Monado Speed!"

 **Reyn:** "Nobody even uses that one!"

In the Ether Mines-

 **Otharon:** "I'm an old dude. And that's about it."

 **Shulk:** "TRY NOT TO DIE!"

 **Otharon:** "You're not the boss of me!"

Shulk, Reyn, Sharla and Otharon went through the second boring cave level in a row and found Xord.

 **Xord:** "WAIT I FORGOT TO EAT JUJU, LET ME DO THAT REAL QUICK."

But then Otharon was totally a boss and knocked Xord into the lava- I mean ether. Then they had to make a daring escape but outside-

 **Metal Face:** "GUESS WHAT, I'M BACK!"

 **Dunban:** "Me too! Watch this!"

Dunban ran down the hill in the rain and chopped up a bunch of Mechon.

 **Metal Face:** "OH THAT'S NOT EVEN FAIR! SCREW THIS, I'M GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE."

 **Dickson:** "Hey guys I'm here too. I made a special Anti-Mechon sword for Dunban. Now he can join your party and you can put Sharla on the sidelines for the rest of the game."

 **Shulk:** "Sounds like a plan. WHOA, A VISION!"

 _Shuuuulk, go fight Metal Face on Prison Islaaaaaand!_

 **Shulk:** "Looks like we're going to Prison Island. I sure hope we don't take a quarter of the game to get there."

 **Dickson:** "Well way to jinx it. Idiot."

 **Dunban:** "TO THE SWAMP!"

* * *

 **Satorl Marsh, Makna Forest & Frontier Village:**

 **Dunban:** "Okay I was wrong, this place is boring. TO THE FOREST!"

 **Dickson:** "First, I'm just gonna leave with Otharon and Juju. By the way I'm up to something suspicious- OKAY BYE."

They went to Makna Forest, and that's when a giant monster attacked these knights. They seemed to be guarding a girl in fancy clothes.

 **Melia:** "No! My guards! You weren't supposed to die!"

 **Telethia:** "ROOOOOOAR!"

The beast slapped Melia, knocking her out. Then the party showed up.

 **Sharla:** "It looks like this girl is suffering from-"

 **Reyn:** "Shulk, go find some ether crystals to heal her!"

So Shulk went, and that's when he ran into a mystery man.

 **Shulk:** "And you are?"

 **Alvis:** "I'm Alvis, I'm mysterious, and that's all you need to know. And now you can use Monado Purge."

 **Shulk:** "But… that wasn't in Smash Bros.!"

 **Alvis:** "Sure wasn't. Neither are Monado Eater and Cyclone. And spoiler, there's no Jump or Smash."

 **Shulk:** "What?!"

 **Reyn:** "Hey Shulk I'm here, did you get the ether crystals yet?"

Shulk and Reyn went back to the others and healed Melia.

 **Shulk:** "We're glad you're sa-"

 **Melia:** "BACK OFF!"

 _SMACK!_

 **Shulk:** "Why though?!"

 **Melia:** "I'm Melia, I'm also awkward and proper. And I'm the hardest character to use, until you learn how my summoning works."

 **Sharla:** "So what are we doi-"

 **Dunban:** "Don't interrupt me. Let's go look for Nopons!"

They went to Frontier Village, a treetop town full of little fuzzy mascot characters called Nopons. The old one with a beard talked to the party.

 **Chief Dunga:** "Hey you guys want to fight the monster? Go take Riki with you, your team needs a mascot."

 **Shulk:** "But-"

 **Chief Dunga:** "It's okay, he does great Damage Over Time."

A Nopon in a vest dropped down.

 **Riki:** "HEROPON RIKI TIME!"

 **Melia:** "Let's go avenge my guards!"

So they crossed the rest of the forest and found the Telethia.

 **Shulk:** "Wait! Let's play _Engage the Enemy_ in the background again, I miss that song."

 **Sharla:** "But Shulk, don't you think it's getting a bit repetiti-"

 **Shulk:** "Melia, Dunban, let's do a cool technique to kill the Telethia!"

And so they did.

 **Chief Dunga:** "By the way, Riki's staying with you full-time. Now take the taxi bubble up to Eryth Sea."

 **Shulk:** "How does that even-"

 **Chief Dunga:** "It's okay, Prison Island is there."

* * *

 **Upper Bionis:**

They took the bubble and made it all the way to Eryth Sea. From there, they crossed floating islands until they reached the city of Alcamoth.

 **Melia:** "Oh hey I'm back home now. Thanks guys."

 **Guard:** "Hold on, we should probably arrest these guys without Melia knowing."

In the prison apartment…

 **Riki:** "RIKI LIKE FANCY PRISON CELL!"

 **Sharla:** "But why are we-"

A man with wings on his head walked in.

 **Kallian:** "I'm Kallian, prince of the High Entia, and Melia's brother. So that means Melia is a princess. Surprised?"

 **Shulk:** "In this genre? Not at all."

 **Kallian:** "Melia is only half High Entia. The other half is Homs. That means some of our racist citizens want to kill her. She's going to prove her worth as a leader in the High Entia Tomb."

 **Dunban:** "You want us to save her?"

 **Kallian:** "I didn't say that. But yes. Take Alvis with you."

 **Alvis:** "I am slightly less mysterious now."

Shulk and the gang went to the High Entia Tomb.

 **Alvis:** "Reyn, don't press this button or else we'll have to go through an entire level."

 **Reyn:** "NOW IT'S BUTTON TIME!"

He pressed the button, forcing everyone to go through an entire level. But they managed to reach Melia before her assassin could do anything.

 **Assassin:** "DIE MELIA!"

 **Dunban:** "Don't interrupt me."

 _SLASH!_

 **Melia:** "You all saved me. …Thanks."

* * *

 **Prison Island:**

Back in Alcamoth…

 **Emperor Sorean:** "So yeah, Melia's gonna rule the High Entia after I die. But what are the chances of that happening?"

That's when the Mechon started attacking Prison Island.

 **Emperor Sorean:** "Whoops gotta go to Prison Island, hopefully I don't die!"

 **Shulk:** "Guys, let's go to Prison Island like we've been meaning to!"

 **Melia:** "I'm going with you. But before we can do anything, we have to find switches in Eryth Sea to unlock Prison Island."

 **Reyn:** "NOW IT'S PADDING TIME!"

Atop Prison Island, Shulk's party caught up with Sorean, who was talking to a blue giant with a beard.

 **Sharla:** "Who is-"

 **Zanza:** "I AM ZANZA. THE MECHON REALLY DON'T LIKE ME. THE REASON IS FOR ME TO KNOW AND THE PLAYER TO FIND OUT. BY THE WAY, NOW YOUR MONADO CAN HURT METAL FACE."

 **Metal Face:** "JUST IN TIME TO KILL ZANZA! OH AND THE EMPEROR TOO. BECAUSE WHY NOT?"

Metal Face threw a javelin, killing both Sorean and Zanza.

 **Zanza's Voice:** "IT'S OKAY, I'LL BE BACK LATER."

 **Emperor Sorean:** "But I won't."

He died.

 **Melia:** "Noooooo!"

 **Metal Face:** "YEEEEEEES!"

Then the Monado became pointier. The Monado II!

 **Metal Face:** "WELL DARN IT."

Shulk cut off Metal Face's arm. Then a silver, even more humanoid Face Mechon dropped down.

 **Face Nemesis:** "WAIT, DID WE KILL ZANZA ALREADY? I HAD SOME WORDS FOR HIM. BY THE WAY, LOOK AT MY PILOT."

 **Shulk:** "Wait, the Face Mechon are piloted?!"

Face Nemesis opened up to reveal a cyborg Fiora inside.

 **Shulk:** "Fiora?!"

 **Reyn:** "Fiora?!"

 **Dunban:** "Oh hey Fiora."

 **Fiora?:** "I don't know who Fiora is. Okay bye."

Nemesis and Metal Face flew away. Back in Alcamoth, Kallian saw the party off.

 **Kallian:** "Melia, go with the others to the Mechonis. I'll stay here and organize an army against the Mechon."

 **Alvis:** "I'll go with you guys and drop cryptic hints."

* * *

 **Valak Mountain:**

The party crossed the snowy slopes of Valak Mountain, until they made it to the ice shelf near the bottom.

 **Face Nemesis:** "It's me again."

 **Metal Face:** "AND ME!"

Metal Face pinned Nemesis to a rock.

 **Metal Face:** "HEY EVERYONE, WANNA SEE WHO _MY_ PILOT IS?"

 **Dunban:** "I sure hope it's not-"

It was a cyborg version of Mumkhar. If only his voice and weapons weren't a giveaway.

 **Mumkhar:** "It was me, Mumkhar, all along!"

 **Dunban:** "That time someone really _did_ interrupt me! DIE!"

Dunban and the cyborg Mumkhar got into a fight.

 **Dunban:** "Why Mumkhar?! WHY?!"

 **Mumkhar:** "Because I'm evil! Now meet my boss!"

A giant, golden Face Mechon dropped down.

 **Egil:** "I'M EGIL, AND I'M PILOTING THIS THING. ALSO THE BIONIS SUCKS. OKAY BYE."

All the Mechon, Nemesis included, left the area.

 **Shulk:** "FIORAAAAAAA!"

* * *

 **Sword Valley & Fort Galahad:**

Just a little further was Sword Valley, where the Homs fought in a war one year ago. Dickson was there.

 **Dunban:** "Dickson! Mumkhar's a bad guy!"

 **Dickson:** "And the sky is blue. It took ya that long to notice?"

 **Sharla:** "Now that you mention it-"

 **Dickson:** "Go cross Sword Valley to get to Fort Galahad, that's probably where they're keeping Fiora."

 **Shulk:** "FIORAAA!"

So the party made their way across Sword Valley, and guess who was waiting for them at the end?

 **Metal Face:** "SURPRISE!"

 **Reyn:** "Oh no, it's Metal Face again!"

 **Shulk:** "You mean it's Mumkhar."

 **Reyn:** "Metal Face is more fun to say."

 **Dunban:** "DIE!"

 **Shulk:** "Now hold on Dunban. Don't you think it's weird the Mechon have resorted to using Homs? Why is it that we have to fight?"

 **Dunban:** "Eh you're right, let's just save my sister."

 **Metal Face:** "STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME! SCREW THIS, I'M OUT!"

The ground fell away, sending Metal Face to the abyss below.

 **Metal Face:** "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEEEEEEEANT…!"

 **Melia:** "…Good riddance."

Then they went into the fortress and WHOA MECHON EVERYWHERE!

 **Riki:** "RIKI LIKE MECHANICAL RHYTHM!"

At the bottom, they reunited with Nemesis.

 **Face Nemesis:** "You Homs again?"

 **Melia:** "Actually I'm only half a Homs, and Riki isn't even-"

Then Gold Face, piloted by Egil, appeared.

 **Egil:** "HEY STOP TALKING TO NEMESIS!"

 **Face Nemesis:** "Egil, leave them alone!"

 **Egil:** "NEVER!"

Fort Galahad exploded, causing Shulk's party and Nemesis to fall to the abyss below.

 **Shulk:** "FIORAAAAA!"

* * *

 **The Fallen Arm:**

At the beach far below, Shulk woke up, alone with Nemesis.

 **Shulk:** "Good thing we can survive long falls. Wait, does that mean Mumkhar is alive? Meh."

 **Fiora:** "I'm alive now. But I'm a robot."

 **Shulk:** "Seven? Is that you?"

Elsewhere, Reyn and Sharla were together.

 **Reyn:** "Hey we've been teased as a romantic couple this whole game, what are the odds we'd land together?"

 **Sharla:** "But what about Gadolt? He could still be-"

 **Reyn:** "Let's go find Shulk!"

Elsewhere, the other party members had to deal with each other.

 **Riki:** "RIKI GIVE DUNDUN PARENTING ADVICE!"

 **Dunban:** "I'm all ears."

 **Melia:** "Zzzzz…"

Then they all got together again within a hidden village of sorts.

 **Dunban:** "Hey Fiora, what's up?"

 **Fiora:** "I'm a cyborg now."

 **Dunban:** "Cool, do you have a radar? I've been missing my house keys."

A fat android in a hover chair came up to everyone.

 **Michol:** "I'm Michol, and we're the Machina. We're good robots, unlike Mechon. Go meet my daughter Vanea so you can talk sense into my son Egil. Or kill him. Whichever. He's up at the top of the Mechonis."

 **Shulk:** "To Mechonis Field!"

* * *

 **Mechonis Field & Central Factory:**

The party made it to the Mechonis 'Field', which was a giant elevator shaft in the Mechonis' leg.

 **Shulk:** "Never mind, this place is boring. To the-"

A green Face Mechon with a shoulder-mounted rifle appeared.

 **Jade Face:** "EGIL WIPED MY MEMORIES!"

 **Sharla:** "I think he might be Gadolt! I can be relevant again!"

Gadolt hopped out of Jade Face.

 **Gadolt:** "Hey! Monado guy! Uh… die!"

Jade Face fired a laser from its shoulder rifle, blowing up the floor and having the party fall to the Central Factory. There they met a Machina woman.

 **Vanea:** "It's me, Michol's daughter. Let's head to the Mechonis' capitol."

Oh and the High Entia were teaming up with Otharon and Dickson and the Nopon villagers to fight Mechon. Cool.

 **Fiora:** "So we just have to get through the Central Factory and we'll reach our destination?"

 **Vanea:** "Sure, we just have to do a few mandatory fetch quests first."

 **Fiora:** "Awww…"

 **Vanea:** "Oh if you think that's bad, wait until we're actually _in_ the capitol!"

* * *

 **Agniratha:**

When they made it to Agniratha, an abandoned ruins, Vanea showed the team a holographic model.

 **Vanea:** "So the Bionis was controlled by Zanza and the Mechonis was controlled by our goddess, Meyneth. Meyneth was cool, but Zanza was a jerk."

 **Fiora:** "Isn't Meyneth the being who sometimes controls me?"

 **Vanea:** "Yeah. Now go fight Jade Face again."

At the top of the town...

 **Jade Face:** "I'M GONNA SHOOT ALL OF YOU!"

 **Reyn:** "Why don't you be Gadolt again?"

 **Jade Face:** "I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS."

 **Reyn:** "NOW IT'S GADOLT TIME!"

 **Fiora:** "Secret Meyneth Powers activate!"

Gadolt was knocked out of Jade Face and laid beaten on the floor.

 **Gadolt:** "Ow that hurts. Go fight Egil. I won't survive."

 **Sharla:** "Well not with that attitude!"

They made it up to Egil, out of his Mechon, thus revealing himself as a Machina. Shulk stabbed him with the Monado.

 **Egil:** "Your blade did not cut deeply enough."

 _(insert studio audience cheering)_

Egil threw Shulk away, and summoned his Gold Face.

 **Egil:** "YALDABAOTH AND I ARE GOING TO GO BECOME THE CORE OF MECHONIS NOW. OKAY BYE."

Back in the Machina Village…

 **Michol:** "Quick, we'll take my ship to the Mechonis Core to stop him!"

 **Vanea:** "I'll come with you to scream and cry at Egil."

 **Alvis:** "I'll come with you so I can watch."

 **Dickson:** "I'll be with you for Dickson reasons."

 **Shulk:** "To the Mechonis Core!"

* * *

 **Mechonis Core (and related moments):**

Inside, Shulk was having a seizure from the Monado electrocuting him… or something.

 **Dunban:** "I never thought the Monado would turn on you like that."

 **Fiora:** "Dunban, isn't the Monado what damaged your arm beyond repair?"

 **Dunban:** "Yeah and?"

Everyone made it through the Mechonis Core and found Egil and Yaldabaoth, piloting Mechonis.

 **Egil:** "HEY EVERYONE WATCH, I'M GONNA USE SWORD VALLEY TO CUT THE BIONIS IN HALF."

 **Shulk:** "Not if I stop the glowing things floating around the arena!"

 **Egil:** "…WELL DARN IT."

The gang beat Egil and Shulk climbed atop the robot to kill Egil.

 _Kill hiiiiiim… do iiiiiiit!_

 **Shulk:** "Wait I have a better idea. Egil, how about we just chill out?"

 **Egil:** "Okay."

 _BANG!_

Dickson shot Shulk in the back.

 **Shulk:** "Ow."

Shulk fell dead to the floor.

 **Dickson:** "Oh yeah, I was actually evil this whole time. Surprised? Eh I don't care."

A clone of Shulk in fancy white clothes hopped out of Shulk's body.

 **Shulk?:** "I am the real Zanza! I was using Shulk as a meat puppet, just so you know."

 **Egil:** "Zanza! You should die!"

 **Meyneth/Fiora:** "He should indeed!"

 **Riki:** "RIKI NO LIKE ZANZA!"

 **Zanza:** "Hey Dickson, let's go back to Prison Island."

 **Dickson:** "Whatever."

So they left, and then the Mechonis destructed… or something. Oh and Egil died. Vanea and Alvis went somewhere, I dunno. I'm not their babysitter.

 **Zanza:** "Quick, Prison Island! Sink into the ground! We'll relocate to some alternate dimension! Oh, and let's turn all the purebred High Entia back into Telethia!"

Out in the air, the party and Shulk's corpse were hanging around on Michol's ship when Dickson rode in on a Telethia.

 **Dickson:** "Just here to remind you all that I was evil all along! In case you didn't get it!"

Kallian showed up on a hover ship.

 **Reyn:** "Kallian! Dickson works for the Bionis!"

 **Kallian:** "…Uh, okay?"

 **Fiora:** "The Bionis was evil all along!"

 **Kallian:** "Oh shoo- AAAH!"

Kallian transformed into a Telethia.

 **Melia:** "DOGGONE IT, WHY DO PEOPLE I KNOW KEEP DYING?!"

Another High Entia person arrived with their own hovercraft.

 **Lorithia:** "Hey I'm a High Entia lady and I work for Zanza too!"

 **Dickson:** "Get in line, sister."

 **Dunban:** "Wait, who was she again?"

 **Sharla:** "Yeah I don't really remember her."

In space…

 **Alvis:** "Shulk, wake up."

 **Shulk:** "Didn't I die?"

 **Alvis:** "Eh."

Shulk woke up.

 **Shulk:** "Respawn for the win!"

 **Michol:** "Hey my ship is parked in Colony 6. Go outside, your friends are beating up Telethia. Oh and Zanza took your Monado and Meyneth's Monado, so take this."

Shulk grabbed a replica Monado. It was green and much uglier. Then he went outside and helped the party beat up Telethia.

 **Dickson:** "This would be easier if that Lorithia were here. This is why no one remembers her!"

 **Alvis:** "Hey guys, remember how I was mysterious throughout the game?"

 **Melia:** "What about it?"

 **Alvis:** "Well I work for Zanza too. So yeah."

 **Dickson:** "We'll wait for ya on Prison Island!"

Dickson and Alvis flew into the sunset on the backs of their own Telethia.

 **Shulk:** "Michol, take us to the Bionis' Interior!"

 **Michol:** "So, pretty much any cave ever on Bionis?"

* * *

 **Bionis' Interior:**

Michol's ship dropped everyone off in a chest cavity formed by Egil earlier.

 **Lorithia:** "Hey Melia, watch me make out with your Telethia-brother!"

 **Melia:** "No thanks, that's really not- Oh dear she's actually doing it."

Melia looked away for a moment, but then looked back.

 **Melia:** "Oh, oh wow she's _still_ going at it!"

 **Fiora:** "Shouldn't we stop her or something?"

 **Dunban:** "Wh-what's the hurry?! Zanza's not going anywhere!"

 **Sharla:** "…Say, remember when I was impor-"

Then Lorithia fused with the monster.

 **Lorithia:** "You will pay for your insolence."

 **Melia:** "Not on my watch! Everyone, let's fight!"

 **Reyn:** "NOW IT'S ACID TIME!"

Reyn waded into the pool of acid because of the wonders of party member AI. Melia then beat the boss by herself.

 **Lorithia:** "Oh no I'm dying!"

 **Kallian:** "I'm dying again too. Thanks Melia, I wasn't ready for a relationship yet."

They died.

 **Dickson:** "Hey guys I teleported in here. You can use this portal to get to Prison Island."

 **Fiora:** "Where _is_ Prison Island now anyway?"

 **Dickson:** "Meh."

* * *

 **Prison Island Revisited:**

Inside Prison Island, they ran into Dickson again.

 **Dickson:** "Oh hey you actually showed up. Before we fight, how about I send you through a trapdoor and you have to look for a few switches? Oh and forget about any checkpoints! Ya blasted idiots."

While everyone was fighting in Prison Island, a bunch of Telethia were attacking Colony 6.

 **Juju:** "I'M STILL HERE!"

Back atop Prison Island…

 **Dunban:** "Dickson!"

 **Dickson:** "Dunban."

 **Dunban:** "Why are all my friends evil? Reyn, are you hiding something too?!"

 **Dickson:** "Hey Shulk, I'm actually a giant!"

He transformed into a giant, bestial version of himself.

 **Dickson:** "NOW LET'S FIGHT!"

 **Shulk:** "Wait, I need to do some angsting!"

 **Riki:** "RIKI LIKE SHULK!"

 **Shulk:** "You're right, I'm good now, let's have at it!"

They beat Dickson, and then another portal appeared.

 **Dickson:** "Ow. I'm dying now. Just go fight Zanza already."

* * *

 **The Final Battle:**

In space, again…

 **Ghost of Metal Face:** "HEY REMEMBER WHEN I WAS IN THIS GAME?"

 **Dunban:** "Good times…"

 **Ghost of Xord:** "AND DO YOU REMEMBER ME TOO?"

 **Shulk:** "To be honest, not really."

 **Ghost of a Telethia:** "ROAR!"

 **Melia:** "Wait that one's not even a Face Mechon!"

 **Ghost of Jade Face:** "AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!"

 **Sharla:** "Why are these ghosts-"

 **Voice of Alvis:** "Hey everyone, I'm a disembodied voice now. Zanza's just over there, go fight him."

Zanza wore fancier Bionis-shaped armor, and held the two Monados.

 **Zanza:** "I heard you killed my disciples. Shulk, why not replace them?"

 **Reyn:** "Hey, we helped!"

 **Fiora:** "Reyn!"

 **Reyn:** "I'm just sayin'…"

 **Zanza:** "So because I'm the creator deity of all of Bionis, that pretty much makes me better than all of you."

 **Melia:** "Rude!"

 **Dunban:** "Wow, the gods sure are stuck-up."

 **Fiora:** "Meyneth wasn't that bad."

 **Shulk:** "Now we'll fight!"

 **Zanza:** "Behold! I have the Monado you used! And Meyneth's Monado! Watch as I block your future vision!"

 **Shulk:** "I'm gonna see it anyway."

 **Zanza:** "No fair!"

 **Shulk:** "Back Slash!"

 **Zanza:** "Ow! Transforming time!"

Zanza shifted his form. His Monados became his arms, and his legs… did something. He looked even more over-designed than before.

 **Zanza:** "Now how will you deal with my final form?!"

 **Shulk:** "Back Slash!"

 **Zanza:** "Ow! Giving you lifeforms intelligence was a mistake!"

Shulk's sword transformed into blue, holographic, over-designed mess.

 **Zanza:** "WAIT WHY DID YOUR SWORD BECOME A REAL MONADO?! ALVIS, I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION!"

 **Voice of Alvis:** "Well you were never _really_ a god. So y'know…"

 **Zanza:** "…Well darn it."

Then, with the Monado III, Shulk killed Zanza for good.

* * *

 **Epilogue:**

 **Voice of Alvis:** "Hey good job, Shulk. By the way, I used to be a computer from back when Zanza and Meyneth were humans and created this world."

 **Shulk:** "Okay?"

 **Voice of Alvis:** "So what do you want to do now?"

 **Shulk:** "Let's just make a world that doesn't need Zanza or Meyneth running around."

 **Voice of Alvis:** "Okay."

 _FLASH!_

The world was reborn, brand new and boundless.

 **Dunban:** "We're back home! Let's rebuild the town!"

 **Reyn:** "Forget that, I'm gonna go fishing! C'mon Sharla, c'mon Riki!"

 **Sharla:** "Can I bring Ju-"

 **Riki:** "RIKI LIKE FISHING!"

 **Melia:** "Well I lost pretty much everything I've ever had. But that's life."

 **Fiora:** "And I'm a human again."

 **Shulk:** "Cool! Let's go… uh… I dunno, live."

 _BEYOND THE SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!_

And they all lived happily ever after.

 **The End.**


End file.
